My friend, Leah, and I went on a quest this weekend to find the worst, ugliest, schnarziest Christmas sweaters of all.
Read the full story in my fashion column in Friday Magazine.

Here is our top 10 list of the ugliest sweaters. Cast your vote on the poll (see “polls” link on the right bar), and I will go buy the worst one and wear it to work next week.

1. The Audible Vest.

Features:
* Ability to layer a vest on top of a sweater on top of a turtleneck, creating a triple threat.
* Covered in jingle bells that actually ring.
* Felt appliqué Santas and plastic amethyst and gold stars.
* Did we mention that it actually jingles?

2. Santa Pockets.

Features:
* Puffy balls on the end of strings.
* Santa Claus heads as pockets, so you can actually stick your fists into Santa’s skull. (See demonstration below)

3. The Time-To-Usher-In-Christmas Vest.

Features:
* Striking resemblance to the red vest of a theater usher, or a Target employee.
* Lined with gold piping, fabric-covered buttons.
* Decorated with individual bugle beads, tiny red velvet ribbons and trees made out of gold beads. Very elaborate work. (See detail show below)

4. The Subtle Offender.

Features:
*The danger with this sweater is that it is borderline acceptable, being white and gold. In fact, many of you may own something like this. Banish it!
* Look closely: The Subtle Offender features way too many conflicting gold accents. Gold lace edging, gold balls, gold present appliqués.
* Clarify: velour appliqués. Velour.

5. The Checker Balls Cardigan.

Features:
* Grey and black checkered background scattered with raised white cotton balls and fabric snowmen of assored colors.
* Fake chenile fringe collar and cuffs.
* Shoulder pads.

6. The Oh Wow Sweater.

Features:
* There is so much going on here we can’t even break it down.
* A lot.
* Lots.
* And shoulder pads.
Note: This sweater comes from the genus of Migraine Sweaters. These are especially prevalent among elementary-school teachers, which — little-known fact — is the main reason why schools close over the holidays; the kids all were going home, anyway, with headaches after staring at the overstimulating patterns.
The Oh Wow sweater includes bursts with clashing snowflakes and stars and bells — and even a handful of nonsense designs obviously only added to spark chaos in the frontal lobe.

7. The Sequin Explosion.

Features:
* This shirt is the recipe for awesome.
* Originally designed as a torture device, comprised entirely of gold sequins, the itchiest substance known to man, even worse than hair shirts for monks.
* Fancy side zipper.

8. The Most Abominable of all Snowmen… Sweaters.

Features:
* White poodle-fur collar.
* 2-inch-long stuffed snowmen as buttons.
* A surprise on the back!!
BOO!

Yes, that is a life-sized Frosty the snowman with a circus-clown grin. He is so happy! Aren’t you happy to be wearing him?! YAY!

9. Silent Night, Neon Night.

Clarification: Leah just threw on the fur hat as an accent piece. It should not be weighed in the ranking of these sweaters.
Features:
* Who says Christmas colors must be green and red? Why not radioactive yellow and bursting blue?
* The neon reindeer really kick the holiday up a notch.
* I think I used to own this when I was 8.

10. Creepy Santa Sweatshirt.

Features:
* Faded black cotton, obviously worn A LOT.
* This homemade sweatshirt boasts a triangle of red felt that looks like the love-child of Santa and a garden gnome.
* Let’s take a closer gander at this pointy Santa cross-breed.

OK, so now you’ve seen them! Cast your vote (click on “polls” on the right bar), and help dress a fashion columnist!

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