5/18/2006
I’m a Gabrielle with a cheap side of Edie.
Now before I proceed with this column, which is dedicated to my obsession with the most delightful show ever produced, here’s my disclaimer: If you’ve never watched “Desperate Housewives,” stop reading now. You are not worthy of these words, for what they’re worth (minimal). Go away.
Sound callous? Maybe. But really, I don’t want to imagine life without a weekly dose of Wisteria Lane. It’s the only show I watch. My indulgence. Sundays revolve around it. I wish I wasn’t this pathetic, but alas, it is so.
Which is why I am in panic mode now that Sunday is the season finale. I’ll be taking mental notes to last me through the summer.
You see, “Desperate” is the universal style guide, every episode brimming with traditional, provocative, trendy, sporty and business outfit ideas. It’s like a practical runway with a catchy plot.
++ Speaking of callous, every Sunday during the show I give myself a pedicure. This includes a foot soak, priming, painting, clipping and, as needed, filing the nails and the heels.
The latter completely freaks out my dad, who gets sick at the thought of taking a cheese-grater-like-tool to my feet to make sure they are smooth. His main concern: “Where does all of the skin go after you grate it off?”
Good point. But still, that doesn’t sick me out as much as rough feet.
Last week, my dad and I were planning my family’s weekly “Desperate” ritual. He asked me with a worried look on his face, “Are you going to be minimalizing your feet this week?”
Minimalizing? He thought I was trying to make my feet not smoother, but smaller.
++ “Desperate” takes costuming to a new level, as one of my friends pointed out.
The outfits enhance the characters in a way other fashion-forward shows haven’t. “Friends,” “Melrose Place” and “Beverly Hills 90210″ featured pretty people wearing interchangeably trendy outfits.
But on “Desperate,” the outfits are part of the personalities. Lest you wonder who’s the cheap neighborhood floozy: voila, hello, Edie/Nicollette Sheridan’s bulbous breasts. The June Cleaver on crack (Marcia Cross, aka Bree) wears pencil skirts and pearls. Producers even let hot-bod Felicity Huffman sport schlubby mom clothes and high-waisted pants as part of her character development. And this realness makes her hotter.
++ I took a test – “What is your ‘Desperate Housewives’ style” – and learned my love for python stilettos and playing dress up makes me a Gabrielle. My friends joke her style is all “Dynasty” and “cheap in a Charlotte Russe kind of way.”
Which I consider a compliment. Which technically probably makes me an Edie.
++ I’m bidding Wisteria Lane goodbye on Sunday with a “Desperate” viewing party: Come dressed like your fave character. I bet everyone will pick Huffman so they can wear their food-crusted sweats.
On the other hand, anyone who wants to do it big can do a different kind of bidding and buy the show’s actual clothing at http://abcauction.auction.shopthescene.com. Seems a little ridiculous. I mean, who wants Gabrielle’s red strapless Laundry dress? With beautiful rouched fabric, 100 percent silk. Built-in bra.
My bid is $80. And growing.
++ Speaking of growing, I was shocked to see Teri Hatcher’s belly-button ring in the last episode. I’ve angered many a friend with my rigid stance against this kind of adornment. And for good reason.
One of my friends once had a belly ring. She got a cute flower tattoo around it. Then she got pregnant, and the daisy grew into a massive sunflower with a red hole in the middle where the piercing used to be.
I don’t know what she was thinking. I would have totally hired the maid to carry my baby.