Boulder and the Beautiful

In other fake news:

Commuters have become concerned about the increasing number of road blockages on every single road in and out of Boulder.

As of last week, every possible way from Boulder to Longmont has been decorated with little orange cones and stand-still traffic. The once-30-minute commute now can easily reach six hours or more, commuters report.

A secret source revealed today that the “road construction” is, in fact, the construction of a massive biodome over the city of Boulder.

“The Boulder Bubble,” as it has been dubbed by insiders (literally), is no longer a euphemism.

The Bubble is designed to keep out all outsiders (especially Longmontians, Republicans and people with more than 10 percent body fat). This will not only protect the city’s prairie dogs while blocking all pesticides and nonorganic particles that might cling to bodies that have driven past a Wal-Mart in the past decade, but the Bubble will also keep all of the Medical Cannabis smoke contained.

“In a sense, it will turn Boulder into one awesome, all-organic hotbox,” the secret source said.

Boulder residents have not noticed the construction of the biodome because they only leave city limits to fly to Costa Rica for “volun-tourism” trips.  Officials are designing an indoor, air-conditioned section of town that will be modeled after Costa Rica for residents who still wish to help the needy.

A second smaller, thicker bubble is also under construction around Trident Coffee Shop in downtown.

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The small, white fan in Kevin Kaufman’s office was neatly on its perch when he left for home last night.
This morning: Gone.
Investigators report they can “only reasonably surmise” that it grew a pair of legs and went walking.
Authorities are now searching for a 10-inch white fan wandering the halls.
“Please kindly direct it back to my office,” Kaufman says. “It gets hotter than the dickens in here in the afternoons and I’d truly enjoy a bit of a breeze.”
Across town, reporter Aimee Heckel lost her digital camera this morning. Officials are looking into whether the two incidents are related, such as the fan walked across Boulder County to Longmont and swiped the camera.
This task is complicated, as all pictures of the suspect from the security camera are action-blurred.

The candy jar in the random office at the top of the stairs has been empty for six days, leaving employees at the Schmaily Schmamera concerned about the future of their publication.

For at least the past decade, the candy jar has been brimming with really crappy candy, like the kind your grandma leaves out on her coffee table and when you unwrap it, it’s all sticky like maybe she sucked on it a bit and then rewrapped.

But no one has filled the office candy jar for almost a week.

Employees say they do not know whose responsibility it has been to fill the jar in the past.

“Candy has just always been there,” said one of the 49 interns who greatly outnumber the paid staff. “The bowl looks so sad now, just sitting there with one small empty wrapper in the bottom.”

Employees wondered whether perhaps the jar-filler was a position that has been laid off due to the economy, or perhaps if the sugary cutbacks represent a looming larger chopping block.

A task force has been created to research whether the Empty Candy Bowl Syndrome has been a warning sign common among other publications on the eve of their demise. The task force will meet for three hours twice a week and also investigate whether social networking and Craigslist has something to do with the problem.

However, another employee, who asked to remain anonymous for no real reason whatsoever, wondered if perhaps the empty jar just meant that someone on the night shift was really hungry and forgot their Lean Cuisine.

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