Boulder and the Beautiful

We all know about Sock Gnomes. Obviously.
It’s no big deal when one sock goes missing.
But what about when one of your favorite designer suede lace-up boots goes missing? JUST ONE.
Or a strapless red dress?

Where does this stuff go? How do I lose random clothes? It’s not like I take off one boot at work and just accidentally forget it there. Not to mention the dress. I don’t think I could take that off somewhere and lose it.

No snide remarks, kids.

I am proud to announce two things:
1. That we have a winner for the ugly sweater contest!
2. That I have such a great eye for ugly that I predicted it.

You see, I bought my favorite ugly sweater at the thrift store before I decided to make a contest out of it.
I went back this weekend, and I was saddened (in more ways than one) to find that ALL of the sweaters from my poll had already been purchased.
Note: My friend Vanessa honestly liked the furry Santa pockets one and wanted me to get it for her, For The Reals. Here is our e-mail exchange:

Vern: Dude! The second one with puff balls and mitten pockets is not lame. It’s amazing! I want it so bad.
Me: I could pick it up for you to wear to the Christmas party if you want. I think it was about $1.14.
Vern: Amazing. Yes! Will you? I would owe you my life … or a similarly awesome Christmas sweater.
Me: If it is still there (HIGH PROBABILITY BECAUSE, um….), yes.

In light of that, it is a good thing the sweaters were all gone. But sad, once again, that someone else is sporting their fists in Santa’s noggin.

Anyhow, I am elated to present to you…….

And for a close-up on the buttons:

OK, now go rinse out your eyeballs with isopropal alcohol.

Start Slide Show with PicLens Lite

So I am planning a tacky Christmas party, and my friend Lisa is trying to guess my outfit. I told her it would leave her breathless (yes, more than just speechless; she might choke).

Her most recent guess was wrong, but so painful that it actually burned a portion of my soul when I read it:

“Velvet khakis?”

Wow. Think about it.

Would you rather…
A) Drive a car with no heat on the coldest day in Colorado’s history.
B) Drive a car with no door.
C) Drive a car with no front left wheel.

Please pick one now.

This is my life. I have three cars I can drive, but they are all seriously troubled.
I think I got frost bite on my toes from the two-hour drive to work. I am now sitting here at work wanting to go home but scared… really. I like my toes. And I just got a pedicure gift card today.

Not me. I’m not prego.

But my friend, Sarah, is. She just sent out the gender announcement, and mentioned she is trying to come up with a name.
The good friend that I am, I put in a ton of thought and came up with some name suggestions and an entire life plan for her son. Here is what I sent Sarah:

Congrats!
OK, I think you should name your boy for a future in pro athletics.

In order to be a pro football player, your son will need a ridiculous name. Some options to consider: Tiki, DeBrickashaw, Laverneus, Plaxico, Tebucky, Keyshawn, Edgerrin.
You could also name him something to live up to: Champ, Boss, Pacman.
If you want a quarterback, his name should be very American: John, Dave, Craig, Troy. Preferably one syllable, unless it is Larry.
Last name Johnson or Smith is always a plus, so you might want to consider a name change for your whole family.
The last option is to name him a completely bizarre name, such as Fuamata-Ma’afala.

If you want a hockey player, his name should not include any vowels, or as few as possible, while being the longest word you can come up with: Kwiatkowski, Dubielewicz, Wozniewski, Nieuwendyk.
“K’s” are highly recommended, as are superfluous “z’s.” A “cz” combo is double points.

Of you could name your son a sexy Spanish name: Juan, Rodrigo, Ronaldo, Rivaldo. This opens up two options for him: to be a soccer player … or a porn star.

I hope this helps!

Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman

A two-part question.

Part one: If your new boss looks exactly like Conan O’Brien, at what point is it appropriate to tell him?

Things to consider: Lack of knowledge about his sense of humor; Halloween costumes; possibly unleashing a wild torrent of humor that may completely dishevel the entire office; the fact that he might already know this and be either very proud of this, or very annoyed by it; the liklihood that if you wait it out and get to know him better, he won’t really look like Conan anymore; live late-night entertainment; a tabloid scoop about Conan’s “day job.”  

Part two: What is the most appropriate way to express this pent-up fact?
A. Throw it into the conversation. “Sure, I can get that done by Thursday good show last night and I will get those photos assigned, too.”
B. Via e-mail, such as “Hey Conan, so here are those TPS reports…”
C. Via e-card, such as one that says, “You look exactly like Conan.” I crafted a brilliant one on someecards.com but they have that site fancied up so I can’t figure out how to post it here.
D. Casually send him this blog. If he doesn’t think it’s funny, be like, “What? Gosh, wait, what, oh you thought I was talking YOU? Oh my gosh, NOOOO, of course not, gee. I was talking about … my friend told me she has this boss who… ha, yeah, funny that you would even think I meant you, because, duh, obviously, you don’t at all, you’re totally more like David Letterman…? NO, I mean Jay… no? No. You’re right. I should go home now.”

I think I’m going with D.
Wish me and my holiday bonus (or soon-to-be retracted bonus) luck.

And on that note, let it be known that I think Conan is REALLY, REALLY GOOD LOOKING, but in a completely professional and respectable way.

Start Slide Show with PicLens Lite

A reporter here regularly wears a helmet while writing.
Just FYI.

Need Halloween inspiration?
The Ritz has released it’s favorite costumes this year:

* Rockstar
* Political candidates, especially Sarah Palin
* Sexy firefighters
* Beer girls
* Golden Buddhas
* Queen of hearts
* Punk rock
* Gothic
* Tattoos
* Indiana Jones
* Heavy metal rocker
* Batman
* Poison Ivy
* ’80s
* Vegas swingers in white platform boots with goldfish in heels
* Funky disco and pimp daddies with velvet and animal-print. Lots of gold chains over a fake hairy chest.
* Plenty of Elvis sightings and the ever-popular Marilyn
* Fairies
* Drag queens
* Superheroes
* Naughty school-girls
* Pregnant nuns

Then the other night, my friends and I were trying to brainstorm ideas for our friend, Molly. Here is what we came up with:
* Susan, George Castanza’s fiance from “Seinfeld,” who died licking envelopes.
* The mom from American Dad
* Towlie from “South Park” 
<a href=”http://photobucket.com/images/towlie” target=”_blank”><img src=”http://i453.photobucket.com/albums/qq255/scoaster/towlie.jpg” border=”0″ alt=”towlie Pictures, Images and Photos”></a>
* Ms. Pac Man
* Ren and Stimpy
* Rocky and Bullwinkle
* Rock of Love
* A character from “Lost” (but mostly because we’re obsessed with the show)
* Sarah Silverman
* A midget in a bucket (don’t ask)
* A lion, with ratted big hair and gold body paint
* Flava Flave
* Mr. T
* Alf
* Marge Simpson
* A poodle
* Rainbow Bright
* Someone else at the party

Then we started thinking about costumes we could make out things we already have in our closets. We came up with:
* A can-can girl
* A ballerina
* A motorcycle racer
* An ’80s prom queen
* “Carrie” the bloody prom queen
* A Vargas cowgirl
* A hot dog.

OK, not a hot dog, but somehow hot dogs always come up in our conversations.

One of my favorite costumes of Halloween pasts was a friend who dressed up like a carnival game: a piece of carboard with balloons stuck all over it. He carried darts and let people play his game/costume for $1. Fun, yet dangerous. Although no one lost an eye.

Work Hot, defined:
When someone appears to be hot, but upon further investigation, you realize they are not really hot; they just appear to look hot in the context of the office.

People can be “Work Hot” but not hot in real life. It is a byproduct of being bored here in the office, plus the limited supply of humans in the confined space, plus more boredom.

Example:
Dude: That intern is hot.
Dude’s coworker: No, dude. She’s not. Look closer.
Dude: Oh, dang, you’re right. She’s just Work Hot.

Work Plain is another phenomenon, whereby someone appears to be average at work, because they dress down and are sabotaged by the fluorescent lights. Then you see them out in public and become entranced by their striking good looks and wonder how you never noticed them at work before. But then the next day at work, they are Work Plain again.
Note: This is a VERY, VERY RARE phenom, so don’t get all excited and think that your Work Hot coworker might actually be Work Plain and even better looking than you are imagining that they are even though they’re not because it’s just office-altered. See, it is very complicated. This is why we do not advise dating someone you work with. It is difficult to know what you are getting into.