Boulder and the Beautiful

Sometimes, I ride the bus. Although this helps secure me a seat in EcoHeaven, I loathe the bus. It’s boring and smelly and cold, and it takes twice as long as driving. I can’t read or even text because I have severe (like SEVERE IN ALL CAPS WITH MANY EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!) vertigo. I never used to have vertigo. It’s a new feature on Aimee 3.1.

Yesterday, I had a brilliant idea on how to pass the 16 hours it takes to go the 14 miles from Boulder to Longmont. As a new mommy, I never have time to paint my nails.  (It’s OK to already start shaking your head at me as you anticipate where this one is going.) I figured I could paint my nails while waiting at the bus stop, because I am a complete wreckmaniac about bus schedules and I am always 25 minutes early because I’m SO STRESSED OUT and terrified of missing the bus and the whole time I’m at the bus stop I pace around nervously checking the time and looking around for the bus like if I relax or blink I will somehow miss the 40-foot-long, screaming vehicle moving at 2 miles per hour as it churns past me.

I hate the bus.

So I thought, in the peak of my ultimate brilliancy, I thought I could paint my nails while waiting at the bus stop, and then I would have one full hour of staring out the window counting cows for the polish to dry.

How could I go wrong?

Oh, let me tell you.

Turns out yesterday I was SO early to the bus stop that I ended up being almost late for the bus earlier than the one I originally planned on taking. I know that doesn’t make sense but get over it. As I walked up, there was already a line forming where the bus driver would soon to be opening the doors, the gateway to nausea and an inexplicable popcorn odor.

I hopped in the back of the line, TOTALLY STRESSED OUT because I always am when I get near buses with their “schedules.” That’s when I realized I only had like one or two minutes to paint my nails so they could dry on the drive. I crouched down near by bag and opened up my brand new bottle of shiny gold polish. When the lid came off, it hit me: the odor! Holy McMoly, I hadn’t thought about the offensive smell of nail polish in the enclosed space. But I had already launched this mission, so I decided to stay crouched down by my bag and quickly paint my nails in the secretive wall of my long hair, and then I would slip the polish back into my bag and walk onto the bus and no one would ever know it was me who was responsible for the stink! Perfect plan! And I’d have awesome nails.

One fingernail, two, I got my whole left hand done. And then the doors cracked open and the line began wiggling forward. Ah! I scooted foward in crouching tiger position, trying to inconspicuously screw the lid back onto the bottle when:

NOOOOOOOO!

I dropped the entire bottle, and in slow motion, a ribbon of bright gold hell spewed out the top and landed with a violent crash onto my
FAVORITE
WHITE
VINTAGE
BEAUTIFUL
ONE-OF-A-KIND
FANCY
BLOUSE.

By now the line was rushing forward, and I had dropped the polish. It had also painted the sidewalk, and the shuffling boots skidded through it, leaving the striped proof of my error in rays surrounding me. Everyone knew it was me, and as I stood there with my jaw dropped, just staring numbly at the horrible splatter of gold nail polish that had violated my blouse, every single passersby getting on the bus scowled at me. (Rightfully so.) Scowl. I scowled at myself. The stench was immeasurable.

Finally, I reached into my bag to get my Eco-Pass — oops, I smeared three fingers’ worth of polish across my white (yes, white, of course it had to be white) bag. I tried to rub it off with my other hand, but then ended up with the pads of my other hand covered in gold lacquer, and the small dots of gold on my bag smudged into what looked like a large baby poop skid mark.

I showed the driver my Eco-Pass and took a seat behind him, afraid to touch anything for fear of soiling the seats and then getting stuck with a $9 million bill to reupholster the whole RTD line. I locked my eyes out the window, knowing if I looked at anything in the bus I would immediately be striken with the urge to vomit like a pregnant woman on a Tilt-A-Whirl after eating eight funnel cakes,  when …. ohhhh…. no….. noooo. NO.

The scent of  the polish had crawled up my arm and tickled its way into my nose, pulling the nausea plug and sending me head-between-legs sick to my stomach. But I couldn’t complain. This was my fault. I couldn’t escape it either; half of my blouse was soaked, my bag was smeared and both of my hands were covered. I even had some near my right eyebrow.  So there I sat for an hour, huffing nail polish; actively striving not to vomit and thereby further offend my fellow passengers; and basking in the karma of yet another fashion disaster.

The bus hates me.

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I am finally back to pre-baby weight, and it’s been almost two years since I wasn’t growing/shrinking from pregnancy. So now I need to make some big wardrobe improvements.

The challenge: Well, the clutch went out in our VW Bus (again) (always), and we’re headed for a vaca in California soon. That means the money I would otherwise like to spend on clothes is now going for something greasy and metal and vanny.

Priorities must be made! Therefore, I have done some research and come up with my 10 top inexpensive items to buy to turn my closet into something remotely modern.

The total damage of all 10 items: $324.50.
Or to keep it around $100, prioritize to: Riding boots, sweater dress, cuffed jeans and sunglasses.

1. Fake fur. Everywhere you look, faux fur is big this winter. I already have a long black fur cape, but I think some white fur in a different form (vest side ’til I die) would be an easy way to spruce up even the most boring outfit — and keep me warm.

$34.80, Forever 21

2. Ankle boots.
One of the strange byproducts of pregnancy that I’m still “working through” is my calves grew. Wha? Luckily, short boots are in. So are clogs. And work boots. So why not combine the three into this magnificent Deena and Ozzy treaded lace-up boot.

$68, Urban Outfitters.

3. Riding boots.
For those days when I want to wear tall, flat boots. A little more casual and comfortable that wooden clogs. These would look great over jeans or with a dress to make it winterized. These boots are such a great deal that they must be mine.

$45.50, Charlotte Russe

4. Baggy sweater dress.
I love to wear dresses year round. This  is a more seasonally appropriate pick that looks so comfy – I think I would live in it. PS, yes, I recognize this is really just a big sweatshirt and not a dress.

$24.80, Forever 21

5. Jeans.
Another neat byproduct of pregnancy is although my weight is the same as before, my body is not. My hips and rib cage literally grew. So I can’t wear any of my pre-preg jeans. I don’t think the bone structure is going back, so I have to just give in and buy a new pair of jeans. I love the color of these and the slight distressing – I can’t help it, I just like things that are messed up. I like rolled cuff bottoms to adjust length for my shortie self.

$22.80, Forever 21

6. Tights.
These tights are just so fantastic that I don’t need to justify the purchase.

$12, Sockdreams.com

7. Jacket.
Of course, we all need a new jacket for winter. Although I still love my black leather moto-jacket, it’s a little tight on my, ahem, chestical region. This gives me an excuse to need this gorgeous asymmetrical zip jacket.

$34.80, Forever 21

8. Blouse.
Oh so French. Oh so feminine. Perfect for layering. Stripes are in this season, but I’m anti-looking-wider via horizontal stripes. This top has horizontal stripes at the bodice (yay) but vertical everywhere else (smart).

$58, urbanoutfitters.com online only

9. Comfy tee.
Perfect for lounging, layering and playing. Shredded sporty tee.

$13.80, Forever 21

10. Sunglasses.
It’s time to replace my oversized, 1960′s-style sunnies with something more updated/retrodated: Animal-print 1980′s-style shades. Radical dude.

$10, Urban Outfitters

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As seen on the shelves at Wal-Mart (of course).

Hmm, bounce the ping-pong ball into a cup. They call it Cuponk. However you label it, this is beer pong.

www.hasbro.com/games/en_US/cuponk

On a plus side, if you start playing Cuponk as an elementary-school kid, by the time you’re in college, you will be so good you might never have to drink. In which case, could this help curb alcohol consumption?

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What is right with this outfit?
Pair blue and black together for a nontraditional color combo that looks dressy, but unique.
The cropped black vest cinches at the waist, above the flowing ruffles at the hips, creating an elegant and feminine form (on a model who probably seriously lacks “feminine form”).

What is wrong with this outfit?
Is she wearing a helmet?
Yes, I think she is wearing a helmet.

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• You know you're desperate for attention when you wear a dress made entirely out of raw meat. Ahem, Lady GagGag, you smell funky. #
• @_TheGeneral_ A GOLD PEDI? That is brilliant. I will now copy. You = trendsetter. in reply to _TheGeneral_ #
• Just cranked out a story about the evolution of graffiti in Boulder, what what. #
• The Thuggie – like a Snuggie, but for da streetz: http://www.thuggies.ca #

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Diesel stuffs its male mannequins. And boy, does they.
(Thanks Jess!)

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My husband recently starting drinking ONLY out of mason jars. He thinks beer tastes better out of them.

In honor of his new “thing,” here are some other things to do with mason jars.

$10, www.ohlittlerabbit.com

$18, http://www.etsy.com/people/beryllynn

$9, http://www.etsy.com/people/whippoorwheel

$36, http://www.etsy.com/people/whippoorwheel

$29, www.etsy.com/shop/postroadvintage

$47.50, www.etsy.com/shop/MasonJarLamps

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Local Etsy shop of the month: JLRYDesigns.etsy.com

Shop: Jen Ragan designs beautiful fabric flower accessories, inspired in part by the tulips on the Pearl Street Mall. Recently featured on NBC’s  “The Today Show.”

The face behind the shop: Ragan is a Colorado native who did her undergrad at the University of Colorado in Boulder. She now lives in Boston, but she says she misses Boulder every day. Ragan started JLRY Designs after a rough patch in her life.  She was laid off from her marketing job, and decided to focus on her creative side for healing.

Why we love it: The flowers are elegant, soft and feminine, yet distinct.  The fabrics are lush and the beading details have us drooling.  We love the diversity in products, from small hairpins to a bright purple floral bib necklace. However you wear these, they will transform any outfit into something stunning. Oh, and even though the flowers are hand-sewn, the price point is low.

Price range: $8-$40.

More info: Check out the blog, www.jlrydesigns.wordpress.com. Ragan also makes custom orders.

Favorite items: The teal and purple Double Bloom Headband, $14. What a rich color combo, perfect for fall. The petals are made from teal satin and purple organza, accented with glass beads. I also am entranced by the dark pink Crush Bloom Bib Necklace. Only $35? I’m sold. I can imagine this with a white wedding gown, or with a plain white tee and jeans.

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Once upon a time, I got a $50 gift certificate to Payless ShoeSource. I tried for months to spend it, but could not find a single item in the store that I even wanted for free.

Then one day, I was at the prestigious Twin Peaks Mall with my sister-in-law, Lindsey. As usual, I couldn’t find anything worth for-free in Payless, when suddenly we saw them: Black patent leather tap shoes. Sure, they were for children, but the largest kid’s size fit both my feet and Lindsey’s.

We immediately purchased the tap shoes with my gift card. We went next door to a cheap teenie-bopper store and bought matching pink formal gowns off the sales rack. Then we put out a hat in the middle of the mall and tapped out a show. We called ourselves “The Flapping Pink Flamingos.”

We left that day with $3, which was astounding, considering the fact that neither of us have taken even one tap-dance class in our lives.

Oh yeah, the point of this story was to say, yay, wow, Payless finally came out with a shoe that is not repulsive. The line is called Lela Rose for Payless. And I’m pretty sure those wooden soles would make a splendid sound on the tile hallways of the Twin Peaks Mall.

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Here are some ways local fashion and clothing shops are offering help to victims of the fire in Boulder. I will add listings as I hear them.

* 4Mile Community Store (next to Boulder Ski Deals on Arapaho) is now open to accept donations for victims of the fire.
Here’s what the store needs:
Gently used or new warm clothing and shoes, all sizes
Kids clothing in larger (teen) sizes
Toys, books and games for older children (10 and up)
New packages of socks and underwear, all sizes, including adult
Women’s size L and XL clothing
Bags:  Duffle bags, suitcases, etc.
Hangers
* They also need volunteers to help sort the items and guide the victims through the store.  To sign up for a volunteer shift, go to www.volsched.com/event/ 304.  Check back often, new shifts will be added and the situation unfolds.
* They are also taking donations if you want to contribute money.  They will make a run to CostCO or Walmart to fill in the gaps.

Fresh Produce
* Calvary Bible Church received a large donation from Fresh Produce clothing in Boulder (about 1,000 articles of clothing) that they are distributing to victims.  www.calvarybible.com
* Here is info on the church’s clothing drive.
What: Clothing Drive for Fire Victims
When: Sept. 11
Times of events: 9 a.m.-1 p.m.
Two locations:
Boulder: Calvary Bible Church, 3245 Kalmia Ave., Boulder
Denver: Lola’s Restaurant, 1575 Boulder St., Denver
What to donate: new/newer clothes, shoes, new socks, new underwear/newer jackets
Organized by three Boulder organizations (Evolve Technologies, Fairview Friends Foundation, Calvary Bible Church).