Boulder and the Beautiful

• What a great day to wear a skirt with parrots on it. #
• Well, I am doing my interviews via Facebook chat today. I lost my voice completely. #

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I did not go to prom for my 30th birthday.

By luck, or probably fate, my May birthday coincides with the biggest dress-up day of the year for high schoolers.

So logically — and partially out of protest for no such similar day for “adults” — I have made a tradition of sneaking into various proms and crashing them. Crashing, in this sense, means dancing (I know, who dances at prom?) and not standing around acting self-conscious. I’ve always been a rebel.

We would arrive late and simply walk in, wearing oversized sunglasses and way too much lipstick. Miraculously, we never got caught, kicked out or arrested. Even after the smile lines around my eyes deepened. Even after I unapologetically announced my plans, year after year, in the newspaper. I’d like to think it’s because I’m so youthful and spry. But more likely, no one spoke up because they were scared.

That’s what kept me home this year. It’s totally normal to sneak into prom at age 29. But age 30? Ew. That’s. Just. Creepy.

Well, the beer kept me at home, too. (Like one and a half beers; I left my liver in San Francisco.) Which was just as well, because the real party occurred in my closet. According to the photos and not my memory whatsoever, my friends and I changed outfits every three to five minutes.

Then we brought prom home.

It was so melancholy. I pulled out my old prom dresses — all 14 of them, including the four from my uncrashed proms — and dressed my friends in them. Some fit. Some ripped. Some looked more like bathing suits.

Then, we brought the boom box to the busy street outside my house and did a fashion show. It was like everything not to wear all wrapped up on one stage — er, sidewalk. The worst fashion trends, from 1995 to 2008: poufy shoulders, heart-shaped necklines, itchy sequin straps, multi-colored velvet, lace cut-outs. The mistakes seemed to recycle every few years, blurring the decades, illuminating the hilarity of society and most certainly terrifying my neighbors.

Then, the fashion show turned into an impromptu parade. Which, by luck or probably fate, led us to the karaoke bar down the street. Which is where I saw Them.

It was heavenly: formal gowns, PBR, an open microphone, a carnival-style popcorn machine on wheels, more formal gowns — what? More gowns? The entire room was buzzing with women wearing prom dresses. Women, not girls. Old crazy ladies. Just like me.

And, unlike prom, they were dancing. On tables.

It was a bachelorette party, and for the first time probably ever, my friends and I fit right in. A birthday reminder that if you stay true to your own quirkiness, and you don’t chase the past, and you’re willing to keep marching forward (even if it is a ridiculous dress-up parade), you will eventually end up exactly where you’re meant to be.

Which brings us to my e-mail this morning.

Thin Man Tavern, 2015 E. 17th Ave. in Denver. May 30, starting at 9 p.m. Prom Night 2: The Totally Awesome Sequel, featuring prom photos and drink specials for grown ups.

I’ll be there. Arriving late, wearing oversized sunnies. Ready to crash.

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I was not 10 steps into the Broomfield 24 Hour Fitness when I pivoted and walked back out. I didn’t even make it to the locker room.
There was no way I was sweating here, in sweatpants and an old tank top.
This was not a gym. This was a nightclub.
As if the booming hip-hop music wasn’t enough (was that a fog machine in the corner?), the girls seemed to be wearing the same outfits that they would wear to the club, except with clean, pink sneakers instead of stilettos.
Well, wait. I think a few ladies going 1.2 mph on the elliptical might have been wearing wedges.
This fitness center was a-swarm with “gym bees.”
The gym bee species, a direct descendant of the barfly, joins a gym as an extension of her Match.com profile, and always announces it on her Facebook status update: “Going to go work out! Xoxo!”
Because the gym bee places her iPhone on her treadmill while she stands there reading Cosmo and not exerting whatsoever, she can update her status in live time: “Headed to the weights! Xoxo!”
This is especially useful if a male gym bee across the room has his iPhone perched near the mirror, because, well, what if amid posing and flexing, he lost track of the hottie on the treadmill?
Problem solved. Xoxo!
As a fashion columnist, I’m the first to give a thumb’s up to pride and cleanliness. I like designer clothes and hoop earrings and fishnets and fur.
Just not on the bench press.
The she-bee spends more time picking out her perfectly coordinated brand-name top, bottoms and matching shoes than she does getting her heart rate up.
And the he-bee sports (if you can even use that verb in this context) hair gel, one or more necklaces and an Affliction shirt on top of an Ed Hardy shirt on top of an Affliction shirt on top of an Ed Hardy tattoo covering up an Affliction tattoo. And jeans.
What happened to Colorado’s true athletes? And how do these posers (literally) stay so fit, when we all see them not working out? Do they chase their evening lines of coke with 1,000 push-ups?
In search of these secrets — as well as a little sports cred — I consulted Boulder’s Kevin Wendling.
Wendling, 30, a Fairview High and University of Colorado grad, is an expert on sports attire for two reasons.
First, he is a freelance producer for TV sportscasts, from football to golf to speed skating to car racing. In his words: “I see Spandex being worn to its perfection, in all levels of sport.”
Second, he was the dude who wore the oversized bunny head, tights and a fannypack to the Bolder Boulder this week.

I know, mega cred. The only catch: On this particular day, both Wendling and I had lost our voices — completely.
So we conducted the interview via modern day note-passing: Facebook instant messaging. Note: Neither of us was on a treadmill.

Here’s how it went down:

Kevin: (Obligatory small talk) How are things at the Cam today? Are you writing about our voices eloping?
Aimee: Yes. And I wanted to write about workout clothes: dressing designer d-bag to go to the gym.
K: Maybe I should change then? How did you know what I was wearing?
A: No, you’re wearing a bunny head, right?
K: I work out in any number of costumes. Or mustaches.
A: That is why I love the Bolder Boulder. People loosen up and have fun with exercise; they don’t try to make a fashion point. So what is the story of the bunny head?
K: I wish there was a tale. I think I just go for the funniest outfits possible.
A: Have you dressed up every year?
K: Second year. But I dress up a lot for events, as often as possible. Last year I was a gladiator.
A: Where did you get the bunny head?
K: The Ritz. I rented that bad boy. A bunny was the most outstanding costume there. The rest of the outfit was American Apparel: fanny pack, leg warmers, spandex, wristbands, gloves.
A: Outstanding indeed. Was it also hot?
K: Ummm.
A: Not hott with two t’s. Like temperature-wise.
K: I don’t remember, really. I was fed a lot of cocktails during the six miles. I would say we stopped 100 times for pictures.
A: Did you train for the race?
K: To walk? No. And maybe that is why my ankle is mysteriously sprained and my big toes are black and blue.
A: Did you find that sweatbands improved your fitness capacity?
K: Absolutely, except it added to my wind resistence.
A: OK, so tell me: Why the tie? And what did you store in your fannypack?
K: Matched the leg warmers. The fannypack was full of adult beverages.
A: My friend Brittany recently met a guy at a club who was wearing a fannypack, and she asked him “What’s in the pack?” And he said, “Fruit Roll-Ups.” Apparently his friends were like, “Dude, stop wearing your fannypack to da clubs, you’re ruining our game,” but then he was the only one of them picking up girls. So then it was like, “Who’s cool now, haters?”
K: That. Is. Awesome.
A: So back to business. Do you work out?
K: Ew, that was nasty. Sounds like a cheesy pick-up line.
A: Except I am looking at a picture of a dude wearing a bunny head, so my emotions are very complex.

K: I do work out, but not like a meathead.
A: What do you wear to work out in?
K: You’d think I’d wear Spandex, but I don’t. I would love me to be in Spandex 24/7.
A: Do you like it when guys flex in the mirror excessively?
K: I don’t like it, unless it’s me. Which it usually is. Thats 60 percent of my workout, I’d say.
A: What do the pros wear to work out? Mandex? Do they wear necklaces and hair gel?
K: Some do, certainly. Big earrings on some.
A: Is that how they get so strong? By hooking weights into their lobes?
K: Lol.
A: You lolled. How did “lol” even become a word? What’s wrong with the good old-fashioned “Heh?”
K: I might start a clothing company called Lol.
A: An athletic clothing company, that makes clothes that double up for working out and working it — on the dance floor. Your insignia: a massive bunny head. Do it.
K: Just do it.
A:  I have a feeling this is how movements are made.

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• I am a fire. #

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I can’t decide where this earring fits on that spectrum.

From the Web site: In Roman mythology, Sylvanus is god of the woods.The ornate, baroque ear covering is supported by a chain to a separate section hooked on at the top of the ear.
$29
www.toofastonline.com

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Water World opens on Monday!
What better way to celebrate than with a leopard-print towel?

$15 at www.toofastonline.com

Also in zebra print.

Speaking of towels, I love this kitchen towel.

$13

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Seems like a fair trade.
On Denver’s Craigslist today:

I need a vasectomy, you need a website – $1
Ok I know this is a bit strange, but yes if you are a urologist and need a professional website for your practice we need to talk.
I own a website development company and I am willing to provide website services in exchange for a snip.
http://denver.craigslist.org/bar/1181694418.html

A friend of a friend asked me where to go thrift store shopping. Here’s my verdict.

Best dresses: Goldmine Vintage on Pearl Street in Boulder.
Most fun: Rockin Robins in Niwot.
Great furniture and etc.: The Amazing Garage Sale, 4919 N Broadway, Boulder.
For designer names: Rags Consignment in Boulder.
Best bet to find something you love: Common Threads in Boulder.
Nicest consignment owners on earth: Found Underground, Louisville.
Trendiest: Buffalo Exchange in Boulder.

http://www.ssense.com/Anne_Leman-Women-Evening_Dresses/Anne_Leman_Alessa_Dress_White_Silk_Dress/9776

This dress is all I need for the rest of my life. Good thing it’s on sale – only $315! What a bargain! hahaihatebeingpoor.

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Today is your lucky day.

No, you did not win “$100,000 U.S. Dollar” and all you need to do is respond to this e-mail with your bank routing number.

No, Tony Little has not launched a new infomercial series for fitness equipment that simultaneously tones your thighs while making you frolic like a woodland creature.

Better. Yes, better than the Gazelle.

Ken Izawa was in our hood. Izawa is my fashion heartbeat; my juicy bite of the Big Apple. When this style expert moved to New York several years ago, it was Boulder’s biggest fashion tragedy since the invention of Crocs. (Although Crocs continues to chisel the stone wall around my heart with its philanthropic work, including a recent donation to the nonprofit that I work for, Think Humanity. I’d like to egotistically believe it’s part of some plan to woo me.) (It is not.)

Izawa now lives on the East Coast and at www.styleforall.blogspot.com.

I reserve the word “zany” for rare occasions, maybe once per decade, due to its obvious nerdiness.

I am pulling it out today — your lucky day. The style news that Izawa brought to Boulder is that: zany. Pure zane.

Until this moment in history, trends have started on the coasts and trickled inward, leaving Midwestern states picking through the dust and debris.

For the spring of 2009, Izawa says the big cities are copying us. (Insert eye bulge here.) Sparked by the green movement, the streets of New York are looking organic, green, simple, earthy and relaxed. Those five words define Boulder. Not New York, not ever.

“From country to concrete” is what Izawa calls it, because all experts have clever titles for everything, which is part of what makes them experts.

You don’t believe me, do you? Here’s the proof: Lucky seven trends, as seen in NYC.

1. Gladiator sandals.

Mega-strappy flat sandals are still a hit. But instead of looking metallic and bejeweled, they are now earthy and natural.

2. Floor-length jersey gowns, with or without a pattern.

“This reflects more suburban-rural. It’s comfortable,” Izawa says. “You’d see it at the beach. You wouldn’t see it in the city. Until this season.”

3. Mini-floral prairie dresses. Think: Drew Barrymore of the early ’90s. Pair the chiffon dress with Docs. Wear everything with Docs. No, I’m not just saying that because I’ve been wearing Docs since the early ’90s, nonstop, even when they were “out.”

4. Southwestern style. Even if you don’t want to stick feathers in your hair, slip into skinny jeans, brown boots, a white undershirt and a light brown suede vest. Oh, you already wore that yesterday? I thought so. Then kick it up with an oversized turquoise rock or a beaded choker.

5. Natural waves. Instead of blow-drying your hair, towel-dry and tousle. A little frizz is OK. Hydrate and smooth with a dime-size of olive oil, Izawa says.

6. Simple natural-tone shoes for men, such as suede hush puppies or comfy loafers. Pair with a plain tee in natural tones, jeans or shorts. (This is all getting so obvious that it is confusing me.)

7. Ray-Ban sunglasses. I’d venture to say few Boulderites even know that Ray-Bans went out of style.

Maybe they never did.

Maybe, all of these years, we’ve been so far ahead of the New York curve that they didn’t even realize until now. Fifteen years later.

Ah yes, Boulder, the true Manhattan. And I am the new Ken Izawa.

As if.

Now that we all know how cool we are, we must tap into our local genius. You know, figure out how to keep ahead of New York’s slow-ball curve, even in this bum economy.

Here’s your chance. Bonnie Eckert, with Tres Bon Wardrobe Consulting, and Emily Wilson, with Joyful furniture, are holding a fashion show on Thursday. The event, from 6-10 p.m. at Joyful Furniture, 2000 21st St., Boulder, will promote and demonstrate ways to recycle your clothes and furniture.

The event includes a fashion show with clothes from five different consignment stores, with models ranging from size 0 to 14.

For more info, check out www.joyfulfurniture.com and www.bontresbon.com/styletips.php.

Eckert says:

Buy recycled whenever possible: clothes, jewelry, furniture, cars.

Shop consignment stores, garage sales, Craigslist and online for vintage.

Use what you already have. A wardrobe consultant can help create outfits out of what you have, and help you track down a few key accessories and pieces to pull it all together.

What’s underneath is as important (if not more) than what you wear on top. Try Spanx (www.spanx.com), Flexees (control-fabric camisoles) or Lipo in a Box (www.lipoinabox.com) to slim down and help your clothes fit right.