Boulder and the Beautiful

My friend, Leah, and I went on a quest this weekend to find the worst, ugliest, schnarziest Christmas sweaters of all.
Read the full story in my fashion column in Friday Magazine.

Here is our top 10 list of the ugliest sweaters. Cast your vote on the poll (see “polls” link on the right bar), and I will go buy the worst one and wear it to work next week.

1. The Audible Vest.

Features:
* Ability to layer a vest on top of a sweater on top of a turtleneck, creating a triple threat.
* Covered in jingle bells that actually ring.
* Felt appliqué Santas and plastic amethyst and gold stars.
* Did we mention that it actually jingles?

2. Santa Pockets.

Features:
* Puffy balls on the end of strings.
* Santa Claus heads as pockets, so you can actually stick your fists into Santa’s skull. (See demonstration below)

3. The Time-To-Usher-In-Christmas Vest.

Features:
* Striking resemblance to the red vest of a theater usher, or a Target employee.
* Lined with gold piping, fabric-covered buttons.
* Decorated with individual bugle beads, tiny red velvet ribbons and trees made out of gold beads. Very elaborate work. (See detail show below)

4. The Subtle Offender.

Features:
*The danger with this sweater is that it is borderline acceptable, being white and gold. In fact, many of you may own something like this. Banish it!
* Look closely: The Subtle Offender features way too many conflicting gold accents. Gold lace edging, gold balls, gold present appliqués.
* Clarify: velour appliqués. Velour.

5. The Checker Balls Cardigan.

Features:
* Grey and black checkered background scattered with raised white cotton balls and fabric snowmen of assored colors.
* Fake chenile fringe collar and cuffs.
* Shoulder pads.

6. The Oh Wow Sweater.

Features:
* There is so much going on here we can’t even break it down.
* A lot.
* Lots.
* And shoulder pads.
Note: This sweater comes from the genus of Migraine Sweaters. These are especially prevalent among elementary-school teachers, which — little-known fact — is the main reason why schools close over the holidays; the kids all were going home, anyway, with headaches after staring at the overstimulating patterns.
The Oh Wow sweater includes bursts with clashing snowflakes and stars and bells — and even a handful of nonsense designs obviously only added to spark chaos in the frontal lobe.

7. The Sequin Explosion.

Features:
* This shirt is the recipe for awesome.
* Originally designed as a torture device, comprised entirely of gold sequins, the itchiest substance known to man, even worse than hair shirts for monks.
* Fancy side zipper.

8. The Most Abominable of all Snowmen… Sweaters.

Features:
* White poodle-fur collar.
* 2-inch-long stuffed snowmen as buttons.
* A surprise on the back!!
BOO!

Yes, that is a life-sized Frosty the snowman with a circus-clown grin. He is so happy! Aren’t you happy to be wearing him?! YAY!

9. Silent Night, Neon Night.

Clarification: Leah just threw on the fur hat as an accent piece. It should not be weighed in the ranking of these sweaters.
Features:
* Who says Christmas colors must be green and red? Why not radioactive yellow and bursting blue?
* The neon reindeer really kick the holiday up a notch.
* I think I used to own this when I was 8.

10. Creepy Santa Sweatshirt.

Features:
* Faded black cotton, obviously worn A LOT.
* This homemade sweatshirt boasts a triangle of red felt that looks like the love-child of Santa and a garden gnome.
* Let’s take a closer gander at this pointy Santa cross-breed.

OK, so now you’ve seen them! Cast your vote (click on “polls” on the right bar), and help dress a fashion columnist!

Start Slide Show with PicLens Lite

Gotta love December.
This Santa Claus-ette is wearing fishnet stockings and shopping for batteries.
For the toys she’s giving to good little children, no doubt.

OK, I confess. This is me.

Start Slide Show with PicLens Lite

Not me. I’m not prego.

But my friend, Sarah, is. She just sent out the gender announcement, and mentioned she is trying to come up with a name.
The good friend that I am, I put in a ton of thought and came up with some name suggestions and an entire life plan for her son. Here is what I sent Sarah:

Congrats!
OK, I think you should name your boy for a future in pro athletics.

In order to be a pro football player, your son will need a ridiculous name. Some options to consider: Tiki, DeBrickashaw, Laverneus, Plaxico, Tebucky, Keyshawn, Edgerrin.
You could also name him something to live up to: Champ, Boss, Pacman.
If you want a quarterback, his name should be very American: John, Dave, Craig, Troy. Preferably one syllable, unless it is Larry.
Last name Johnson or Smith is always a plus, so you might want to consider a name change for your whole family.
The last option is to name him a completely bizarre name, such as Fuamata-Ma’afala.

If you want a hockey player, his name should not include any vowels, or as few as possible, while being the longest word you can come up with: Kwiatkowski, Dubielewicz, Wozniewski, Nieuwendyk.
“K’s” are highly recommended, as are superfluous “z’s.” A “cz” combo is double points.

Of you could name your son a sexy Spanish name: Juan, Rodrigo, Ronaldo, Rivaldo. This opens up two options for him: to be a soccer player … or a porn star.

I hope this helps!

Twenty Ninth Street is holding Step Out Step Up: It’s A Wrap.
When: Thursday, Dec. 11, 6 p.m.
Where: Meet at Macy’s, 29th and Walnut streets, Boulder.
Cost: Free.
Benefitting: The Emergency Family Assistance Association.
What: Twenty Ninth Street is looking for women who want to gather for a better reason – helping bring a little holiday cheer to fellow women who may not receive a gift this season. They will be wrapping 600 gifts and EFAA will in turn distribute these gifts.
Includes: A girls’ night out with beverages, food and entertainment provided by Twenty Ninth Street retailers.
More info: 303-444-0722.

Every so often, I get on my “Africa soap box.” Alas, it’s that time again!

Think Humanity is selling Christmas ornaments wrapped in netting to represent a mosquito net that each ornament’s purchase will buy for a refugee in Africa.

The nets will go to refugees arriving into the Kyangwali Settlement in western Uganda. They are fleeing from the DR Congo, the most blood-soaked region on earth. A net will provide them protection from malaria, a mosquito-borne illness that kills one child every 30 seconds. Let’s help them start their new lives – malaria free!

Ornaments are $5 each. The ornament is wrapped in netting with a card that explains the gift’s purpose and placed inside a cellophane gift bag.

Let me know if you want one and I can get it to you. I have a box full. Or visit www.thinkhumanity.org.

Mosquito Nets for Christmas 2008! MaNdate3
For Christmas 2007, Think Humanity raised enough money to purchase 750 bed nets for refugees in the Kyangwali Settlement in Uganda. These nets went to orphans, pregnant women and widows. In June 2008, we gave out 4,180 more nets.

We would like to give out 500 nets for Christmas 2008. For $5 each, Think Humanity can purchase the long-lasting insecticide treated nets. They will last for five years and not only do they protect by shielding from mosquitoes as you sleep, but there is also insecticide on the net, which will eliminate the mosquitoes.

Donate $5 and save a life. It has been proven that it will reduce the mortality rate of children under the age of five years by approximately 25 percent and reduce the cases of malaria by up to 60 percent.

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One reason I love winter (maybe the only reason) is this:

As seen on my friend Brittany today. Baby Phat furry white abominal snowman boots. Not to be mistaken for abdominal snowman, which my fingers really want to write.

Start Slide Show with PicLens Lite

Last summer, my dad had a near-death accident that he miraculously made it through — but with a dramatically changed perspective and heart.
During his long rehab, where he was home-bound, he began writing down his feelings and the things he had learned.
He recently put it all together in a book, “Hit from behind.”
The book was just published. I encourage everyone to check it out. It will make you think; what will you do when you are “hit from behind?” When life comes crashing down around you?

The book is available on book Web sites, such as Amazon and Barnes and Nobel, or directly from the publisher at http://www.xulonpress.com/bookstore.php.
All of the proceeds will go toward our nonprofit, Think Humanity (www.thinkhumanity.org).

I look forward to hearing your opinion on it after you read it! 

Wednesday, December 3
from 4 to 7 p.m.
Millenium Harvest House Hotel, 1345 28th Street, Boulder for women and men alike

Free Admission

Sip wine and sample delicious tapas.  View the season’s hottest clothing and accessories at a live fashion show. Get crafty with creative ideas for gifts and entertaining. Score big for yourself and everyone on your list with door prizes and a silent auction. Take advantage of special holiday discounts. Tap your toes to the soothing tunes of a live jazz trio. Support locally owned businesses while you knock out your holiday shopping.

For exhibitor information or additional questions, please contact Thais Hafer at 303.473.1250